Cry Baby’s Day Off
I had planned on taking today off to celebrate spring since the temperature has gone above seventy degrees for the first time this year. It's a big day around here. I imagined myself lazing around, remembering how lucky I am, soaking in the sun, maybe catching a movie, and puttering around the yard. You know, taking the day to enjoy life—something I desperately need to start doing.
Instead, I've got myself worked up into a tizzy over virtually nothing.
It all started, actually, last night when I emailed HWSNBN about an excursion we had planned this weekend—a Sunday drive across the state to pick up some landscaping supplies at this really cheap outlet we know. The idea being, we'd split the cost of gas, bring a trailer, and bring back a big load of supplies to last us all summer. It's so much cheaper and easier going together, which is what we did LAST year... before we... um... I, 're-evaluated' our friendship... heh-heh... yeah... anyway, practicality rules and gas is expensive!
Well, I found out last night that the place we want to go to is NOT open on Sunday, so I needed to know what HWSNBN wanted to do about it. Should we reschedule for next weekend?
Keep in mind, he'd already cancelled on me LAST weekend (I kinda figured he would though), but this weekend, with all the nice weather we're having, it felt important. I wanted to get it done with and quit fooling around. You get one cancel with me, and then you have to follow through. HWSNBN called this morning to say he couldn't go on Saturday at all (already had plans). If it wasn't Sunday, he just can't go. Yet.... there was something so hesitant about it, I felt myself getting angry. "Well, are you trying to tell me you want me to go by myself?"
"You know, that's not a bad idea. Why don't you do that?" I offered to wait another week, and his response was, "I really don't want to wait that long." So what's the option? If he's not available Saturday, and he's not available during the week... Wait for it.... "Can you pick some stuff up for me while you're out there? I'll pay you for it."
Um... you want a GIRL to drive across the state by herself, pick up YOUR shit and MY shit, load it all by myself, then bring it back to you? Are you fucking kidding me? I was FURIOUS, but I said nothing. Instead, ever the pragmatist, I offered a compromise of sorts. I'll go pick up his shit on Saturday, if he spends Sunday helping me fix my porch. He said he'd think about it because now he isn't sure what plans he wants to make for Sunday.
Huh? He's supposed to call me back and let me know. Um... ain't no shit for you, pal, if you're not willing to help me out. No way, no how.
I keep telling myself that I'm expecting too much of him. He's a selfish narcissist at heart, and if he can get out of doing ANY work that doesn't benefit him directly, he will. Fact is, I shouldn't be asking him for ANYTHING if he's not reliable. With that in mind, I called a private contractor to give me an estimate on the porch this afternoon. That'll tell me how hard I want to fight HWSNBN to follow through on his promise.
Aside from the obvious money issue here, the real problem is, I'm feeling like a completely worthless human being again. Questioning why I'm bothering and why this is happening. I hate that I given him this much power over my day—AGAIN—especially a day that I was supposed to be free of worry and looking with hope toward the future.
So, in an effort to get my mind off things without drugs, I went to the grocery store. It feels like a luxury to go to the grocery store in the middle of the day, let me tell you! However, every old person within 1000 miles also thought the same thing. As soon as I walked in the door, I saw two elderly neighbors of HWSNBN—very nice people, but friends of HIS, not mine, and I looked like absolute crap—no makeup, bad hair, old baggy sweats. Eeech. I totally didn't want to get in a conversation with them, but I really needed groceries. I tried my best to avoid them, but they seemed to pop up in every aisle I walked down. Luckily I wasn't spotted. I almost burst into tears from the frustration, but I told myself that none of this is worth crying about.
I left, and decided to hit the video store to rent a movie for the day—forgetting that the rental place is within viewing distance of HWSNBN's house. Arrgghhh!!! Again, I almost cried, but refused the tears. By now, it was getting weird. He's EVERYWHERE!
So, after renting two movies, I headed to the local Dunkin's for coffee. Guess who was across the street at the fast food joint?? No joke. HWSNBN and Miss Daisy on a luncheon excursion. Oh. My. Freakin'. God. He's FOLLOWING me!! Now, I admit, at this point I just about lost it—one tear escaped me. Just one. I sucked in my lower lip and said to myself, "What the hell are you so upset about? Get over it!!"
I went home. I just can't believe how upset I am all over again. This is so stupid. Despite all my talk about being over him and not relying on him, I somehow let myself be disappointed by him again. Worse yet, I'm letting it bother me.
Thank God, though, it was just one tear and not the whole waterworks. If nothing else, that's progress